Unholy (adjective)
Definition #1: sinful. wicked. godless. blasphemous. sacrilegious. profane. heathen. irreligious. nontheistic.
Definition #2: lacking in holes
We’re going to go with definition number 2, please. These bagels are unholy. They have no holes.
You see, a few weeks ago, a friend of mine was making Pretzel Rolls (Laugenbrötchen, for you Germans). Similar to making bagels, you place the rolls in boiling water for a minute or two before baking, only with pretzels or pretzel rolls, you are supposed to put food lye or baking soda in the boiling water, which gives it that dark brown exterior. Well, she forgot the baking soda, and thus ended up making bagel rolls much like these. She posted a photo to her FB page and I spontaneously just said “Unholy bagels!” which I found somehow very funny. Apparently it doesn’t take much to amuse me during lockdown. So there you have it. Unholy bagels, aka Dinner Rolls. They are really damn (ha ha) yummy, even if they started out as accident.
Ingredients
2 1/4 cups water, between 105-115F
1 tablespoon salt
3 tablespoons brown sugar
5 1/2 to 6 cups bread flour
1 1/2 tablespoons instant yeast
Water Bath
2-3 quarts water
4 tablespoons brown sugar
Directions
Line two baking sheets with parchment paper and set aside. Heat water in the microwave on high for 1 to 2 minutes or on the stove until it is between 105 to 115F.
In a stand mixer add about half of the flour water, salt, 3 tablespoons brown sugar, and the yeast on the top. Add warm water and wait 15 minutes until foamy. Turn on mixer and add additional flour as needed to form a firm but still soft dough (see note). Dough should clear the sides and bottom of the bowl while it is mixing. It should be firmer than a roll or bread dough, but not so over floured that it becomes tough. Let mixer knead dough for 6 minutes to develop the gluten. Divide dough into 12-14 pieces (about 4 ounces each) and roll each into a ball. Cover the dough balls and let rest for 10-15 minutes to relax the dough.
This is normally where you would shape your bagels — but they are unholy, so these are really just bread rolls that follow the method of bagels. I will write the actual directions for shaping bagels here — in case you actually want to make real bagels, but if you are making Unholy Bagels, just let them rise as formed dough balls. To form bagels, one-by-one use your thumb to gently poke a hole in the center and carefully stretch the hole with your fingers until it is about an inch wide. For best looking bagels work quickly and gently, not worrying about trying to shape a perfect bagel. The less you handle them at this stage the better looking your bagels will be. Place the shaped bagels on the prepared baking sheets (6 per sheet). Cover them and let them rise for 20-30 minutes.
While dough balls/”bagels” are rising preheat the oven to 400F and heat 3-4 quarts of water in a wide-diameter pan with 4 tablespoons brown sugar to a boil, stirring to dissolve the brown sugar. You can use a large pot, a Dutch oven or a deep straight-edge skillet. Then adjust the heat until it stays at a low boil.
After dough balls/”bagels” have risen, transfer them, three at a time, to the simmering water so that the bottom (or ugly side) is facing up. Increase the heat under the pan to bring the water back up to a gently simmering boil, if necessary. Cook the dough balls/”bagels” for 45 seconds to 1 minute, flip them over using a wide slotted spatula, and cook another 45 seconds to 1 minute more. Using a wide slotted spatula, carefully remove the dough balls/”bagels” from the water and place them back on the baking sheet. Repeat with the remaining bagels.
Top the dough balls/”bagels” with your desired ingredients or keep them plain. For a dry topping, such as sesame seeds, poppy seeds or “everything” whisk together 1 egg with 1 tablespoon water and brush each dough balls/”bagels” with the mixture before topping heavily with seeds or spices. If using Asiago or another cheese, there is no need to brush them with an egg wash, simply place the shredded cheese on the bagels.
Bake one sheet of bagels at a time for 20 to 25 minutes, or until they’re as deep brown as you like. Remove the dough balls/”bagels” from the oven, and cool completely on a wire rack.
